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Humour and Jokes
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Do you have a GSOH?
Yes
67%
 67%  [ 61 ]
Sometimes
12%
 12%  [ 11 ]
No
5%
 5%  [ 5 ]
What's a GSOH?
15%
 15%  [ 14 ]
Total Votes : 91

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Pietro_Mercurios
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PostPosted: 10-10-2013 07:11    Post subject: Reply with quote

No Arkwright. He was the programme, stutter and all. Sad
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Anome_Offline
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PostPosted: 10-10-2013 08:13    Post subject: Reply with quote

rynner2 wrote:
Ronson8 wrote:
Will there still be that vicious cash register ?

Probably something electronic, that also updates the stock records, if the shop's been properly brought into the 21st century. It would be linked to credit card readers too...

Just think of the comedic possibilities...
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rynner2Offline
What a Cad!
Joined: 13 Dec 2008
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PostPosted: 10-10-2013 09:25    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pietro_Mercurios wrote:
No Arkwright. He was the programme, stutter and all. Sad

I hope they might include some suitable clips of Arkwright, in a Ghost of Christmas Past fashion. Cool
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Ronson8Offline
Things can only get better.
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PostPosted: 10-10-2013 09:45    Post subject: Reply with quote

rynner2 wrote:
It annoys me if I'm waiting to get served somewhere, and a student uses a card to pay for one drink! Evil or Very Mad )

If it's a contactless card it could be quicker.
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rynner2Offline
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PostPosted: 12-10-2013 09:58    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tommy Cooper: 25 great jokes
Tommy Cooper was one of Britain's best-loved comedians. Here are 25 great jokes from a new book that celebrates the magician's wit
By Martin Chilton, Culture Editor online
11:52AM BST 11 Oct 2013

Tommy Cooper was one of Britain's funniest comedians. His jokes were silly, witty and full of dazzling wordplay. Even off stage, he liked to lark around and would often hand taxi-drivers an envelope as he said cheerily: "Have a drink on me". Inside, they would find a tea-bag.

At the age of 62, Cooper collapsed on stage during a televised performance at Her Majesty's Theatre in April 1984 and died soon afterwards.

Cooper's hallmark was an Egyptian fez. An aunt gave him a box of magician's tricks for his ninth birthday and it started a hobby that became a career, beginning in music halls. His jokes are remembered in a new book The Tommy Cooper All In One Jokebook. Here's my favourite 25 jokes from the book.

Whisky
1 • I'm on a whisky diet . . . last week I lost three days!

Fortune Teller
2 • I went to a fortune teller and she looked at my hands. She said, 'Your future looks pretty black.' I said, 'Are you kidding? I've still got my gloves on!

Doctor
3 • I said to the doctor, 'It hurts when I do this' [raises arm]. He said, 'Well, don't do it.'

Alarm clock
4 • A woman rushed into hospital with her little boy and said, 'Doctor, my little boy has swallowed an alarm clock.' He said, 'An alarm clock? Does it bother him?' She said: 'It doesn't bother him, but it bothers me.' He said, 'Why?' She said: 'Well, every time I go to wind it up, he bites my finger.'

Soup
5 • I said to the chef, 'Why have you got your hand in the alphabet soup?' He said, 'I'm groping for words!'

Doctor (2)
6 • My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath, but I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!

Dreams
7 • Last night I dreamt I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow had gone.

Driver
8 • A drunk was driving his car down a one-way street when a policeman stopped him. The cop said, 'Didn't you see the arrows?' He said, 'Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians.'

Gambling
9 • Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.

Music
10 • I took saxophone lessons for six months until I dislocated my jaw. How did I know I was supposed to blow in the small end?

Betting
11 • You know what a racehorse is . . . an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time

Jester
12 • What do you call an out-of-work jester? Nobody's fool!

Kangaroo
13 • What does a kangaroo eat for breakfast? Pouched eggs

Marriage
14 • My wife said 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet'. I said, 'chocolate fudge'.

Advice
15 • Never tell people your troubles. Half of them are not interested and the other half are glad you're getting what's coming to you.

Pork chops
16 • I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, 'Which way?'

Marriage (2)
17 • I said to my wife, 'I can't eat this beef stew.' She said, 'Shut up! It's custard pie!'

Undertakers
18 • Never trust an undertaker. He'll always let you down

Doctor (3)
19 • I said to the doctor, 'Can you give me something for my liver?' He gave me a pound of onions.

Sleep
20 • I sleep like a baby . . I wake up screaming every morning around 3am.

Put-down
21 • There's no end to his talent – and no beginning either.

Ballet
22 • I was a dancer once in Swan Lake. I fell in.

Doctor (4)
23 • I went to see my doctor and he said 'I want you to lie down on the couch.' I said, 'What for?' He said, 'I want to sweep up.'

Waiter
24 • I told the waiter, bring me a chicken. So he brought me a chicken. 'Just a minute,' I said, 'It's only got one leg. 'It's been in a fight.' I said, 'Well, bring me the winner.'

Cannibals
25 • Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?'

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/comedy/10363116/Tommy-Cooper-25-great-jokes.html

Cool
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MythopoeikaOffline
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PostPosted: 12-10-2013 10:14    Post subject: Reply with quote

Brilliant jokes! Laughing
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Spudrick68Offline
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PostPosted: 12-10-2013 22:25    Post subject: Reply with quote

How about the swearing clock?

https://twitter.com/SwearingClock

Very Happy
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rynner2Offline
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Joined: 13 Dec 2008
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PostPosted: 18-10-2013 13:49    Post subject: Reply with quote

A little girl was fearlessly dancing outside in a thunderstorm. Lightning was flashing, thunder was crashing and her terrified mother rushed out and dragged her inside. "What on earth do you think you're doing?" she screamed. The little girl answered brightly, "God was taking pictures of me!"


(by email)
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JamesWhiteheadOffline
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PostPosted: 18-10-2013 18:01    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lock him up! Shocked
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dreenessOffline
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PostPosted: 24-10-2013 08:14    Post subject: Reply with quote

A garden gnome for George Romero fans:

http://imageshack.us/scaled/landing/707/9oq4.jpg
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rynner2Offline
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PostPosted: 01-11-2013 08:39    Post subject: Reply with quote

Video Clip: [File under "I shouldn't laugh, but..."]

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/motoring/motoringvideo/10418578/You-have-to-be-kidding-me-Tow-truck-accident-caught-on-film.html?placement=rhs1

Very Happy
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rynner2Offline
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PostPosted: 02-11-2013 10:45    Post subject: Reply with quote

Twitter Patter: storms, the clock change, and a lot of 'trickle treating'
Tracking the hilariously good and pitifully bad on Twitter every week, so you don’t have to

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/the-filter/10419492/Twitter-Patter-storms-the-clock-change-and-a-lot-of-trickle-treating.html

(Can't copy and paste this because of the Formating.
But I defy you not to Laugh Out Loud at some of it!)
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rynner2Offline
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PostPosted: 04-11-2013 12:43    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tweet Of The Week

“My new voicemail - HI SORRY IM NOT HERE NOW BUT IF U LEAVE YOUR NAME NUMBER MESSAGE IM SURE ONE OF THE PAPERS WILL GET BACK TO YOU X”

Move over Ian Hislop, there’s a new satirist in town, and his name is Paul Gascoigne

Cool
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rynner2Offline
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PostPosted: 05-11-2013 10:35    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shooting down evil male hecklers: A female comedian's guide
Male hecklers are a female comedian's worst nightmare. But after a decade's experience in stand-up comedy, Ava Vidal has learned how to shoot them down.
...

My comeback lines
So the stage is set and then a female comedian comes on and has to work in that atmosphere. The heckling that female comics receive is different to that of male comedians: the comments tend to be overtly sexual. But unlike in most other workplaces we get the opportunity to answer back in equally as colourful language.

One of the most standard heckles that female comedians receive is: “Show us your tits love!”

Jo Enright gave the most beautiful answer to this that I ever heard when she simply replied in a puzzled tone: “Why should I be the first woman in the world to show you her tits?”

When a man tries to exert his authority over me when I'm onstage, I normally put him down very quickly. “I want you to treat me like every single woman that you’ve ever met and assume that I am not interested,” is one of my favourites.

I was once told by male heckler that I was "about as funny as a headache". I replied: “I am sure that you know a fair bit about headaches as I am guessing that your girlfriend has one every night.”

The audience love it when you slam a heckler firmly back in their place, especially when you are female and they are male. Most men take it in the spirit in which it was intended and will offer to buy you a drink afterwards to show there are no hard feelings. But I have had a couple that have turned nasty. I had one guy who had come to the club with some colleagues and they told me they worked as bouncers. One decided to show off and started to heckle me. I responded and he carried on and he was losing badly. His friends really enjoyed it and they then started teasing him. Afterwards he came over to me and said: “Are you that funny when you’re at home in the kitchen washing up? Do yourself a favour and stay there.”

The female of the species ...
Heckles from women tend to be a lot cattier. I think that it is universally agreed amongst comedians that drunk women, especially those in large groups, are the worst kind of hecklers that you can get. They just simply won’t stop.

The way that I deal with a female heckler is very different from the way that I would treat a male one. In the spirit of sisterhood I will always give a woman a couple of chances but I firmly let her know that if she continues I will go off on her. If you’re a female comedian and you steam in and destroy another woman immediately then you can often lose the audience. You’re seen as being bitchy, and unless that is part of your onstage persona, then you don’t want that. You don’t come out of the exchange looking good at all.

I will let a woman continue until she has exhausted the patience of the rest of the audience and they are literally begging you to take her down. I have made women cry before. One that was given far more chances than most was determined to ruin my set. She kept yelling over punchlines, telling me she thought that I should go to the gym and how unfunny she found me. I told her to go to the box office and do what men do when they sleep with her – ask for her money back. Twisted Evil She ran out in floods of tears and complained about me to the promoter.

The best advice that I can give would be hecklers? Just don’t. You have paid to see a show so sit back, relax and enjoy it.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/10425882/Shooting-down-evil-male-hecklers-A-female-comedians-guide.html
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rynner2Offline
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PostPosted: 16-11-2013 09:27    Post subject: Reply with quote

The 'Guybrator' and other new man-words
Suffering from 'manflu'? Like 'brostep' and 'blokebusters'? Know what 'guybrator' means? Michael Hogan finds himself increasingly mannoyed with male prefixes
By Michael Hogan
9:25AM GMT 15 Nov 2013

As a not-particularly-high-flying journalist, I get sent some tenuous press releases. “Celebrate Prince Charles’ birthday with Cillit Bang”, “Only 40 shopping days until Christmas – here’s some thrush cream!”, “Survey shows that people hate surveys”, that sort of binnable guff. This week, though, my eye was caught by one that buzzed into my inbox with the subject line: “Pulse: the world’s most innovative guybrator”.

“Most innovative”? Are there other guybrators which are stuck in the past, still using steam power and floppy disks? The Pulse looks like a slate grey PC mouse but is allegedly a “revolutionary male vibrator” and “the world's first oscillating sex toy for men”. It retails for £69 (“LOL”) via a website called hotoctopuss.com, which made me suspect it was a spoof, but apparently it’s not.

Anyway, this is neither the time nor place to debate the guybrator’s merits. At least, not until I’ve saved up £69 (plus £3.99 p&p ). But it did get me thinking about the annoying trend towards gratuitous male prefixes. Here’s a handy glossary – a dick-tionary of portMANteau words, if you will – so you can be annoyed too…

Blokebuster

A Hollywood blockbuster aimed at men. The opposite of a “chick flick”. Usually features some combo of guns/fighting/scantily clad women/gross-out humour/Jason Statham. Arthouse it ain’t.

Bromance

A term for male friendship that makes it sound irritatingly American, needlessly ”ironic”, and a bit gay.

Brostep

A sub-genre of dubstep, “brostep” is usually American, dumbed down, more aggressive, lower on soul, and higher on beats per minute, “wub”, “womp” and hip-hop vocal samples.

“What’s this racket?” – anyone over 30.

Dicklit

Chicklit written by and for men, often with a soppy theme. Nick Hornby, David Nicholls, Mike Gayle and Tony Parsons are prominent practitioners. Dick Francis, ironically, isn’t.

Dudefood

Posh junk food: burgers, hotdogs, pizza, fried chicken, barbecued meat. Often American, described as “dirty” and in stripped-back surroundings such as a street food van or “pop up”. But don’t get me started on that again.

Guybrator

Male vibrator. Hopefully there’s a man out there named Guy Brater whose life is now ruined. Twisted Evil

Guyliner

Eyeliner for men. Popularised in recent years by the likes of Russell Brand, Brandon Flowers, Noel Fielding and goth/emo types. Still a tad tricky for regular blokes to pull off in the office, though.

Heavage

Male cleavage, flashed by a deep V-neck T, unbuttoned shirt or a sweater with nothing underneath. A look favoured by boyband wannabes, berks who think they’re “buff”, and Peter Andre (he loves his kids, you know).

Mandles

Can have two meanings: either scented candles aimed at men or men’s sandals. Both are a bit lame.

Manflu

Influenza for men. Or, as women would argue, a common cold that we make a huge, wimpy fuss over. But it’s not, it’s really serious and life-threatening, honest. Pass the Lemsip Max Strength and sympathy.

Manscaping

Grooming or removal of male body hair. The full term is (or should be) “manscape gardening” as it involves trimming bushes. A trend popularised by gym culture and online pornography.

As Doctor Evil said in the first Austin Powers film: “There's nothing quite like a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking. I suggest you try it."

Manscara

More make-up for metrosexual men. See also concealers called “disguys”. Don’t get confused by Chapstick, though. That’s not lipstick for chaps.

Or is it? Shocked

Mansplaining

Condescending explanations from a man to a woman, with the assumption that they’re completely ignorant and delivered with an air of, “Here you go, sugartits, but don’t worry your pretty little head about it.” Ladies love this. (They hate this.)

Meggings

Male leggings. Tighter than super-skinny jeans, they look like you’ve accidentally gone out in just your long johns or a lady’s thermal tights. Strictly for scrawny young hipsters - and even they look stupid.

Heard any more? Fancy making some up? That’s what the comments box below is for. Or as I like to call it, the ComMENts box. Right, guys? Oh. They’ve gone.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/thinking-man/10451302/The-Guybrator-and-other-new-man-words.html
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